For anyone who has ever been rejected, for any reason.

For anyone who has ever been rejected, for any reason.
There is hope.

Isaiah 41

8 “But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
you descendants of Abraham my friend,
9 I took YOU from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called YOU.
I said, ‘you are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have NOT rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Love, Respect, and a New Husband by Friday (part 2)

You see how it works, don’t you? In a democratic society, if you have a right to put me down, then I have a right to put you down. If you don’t feel like pleasing me, then I don’t have to please you. (Have a new Husband by Friday, Dr Kevin Leman)

Dr Kevin Leman refers to the above statement as a recipe for disaster. Couples who live this way are like two people simply paying the bills together.

In the first segment of this series I challenged wives to stop focusing on the things they want to change about their husbands. You can only change yourself. But changing the way you respond to another person can have a profound effect on the way they respond to you.

You will have to go out on a limb for this. You might even have to hang there for a bit while your confused hubby scratches his head and tries to figure out what you’ve got up your sleeve.

First, you might want to ditch the business arraignment. Marriage isn’t meant to be a democracy. There’s no room for an I’ll-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine attitude. This is unconditional love we’re talking about.

There are three things a husband needs most from his wife. Once he has them they change the way he responds to her. I’ll only go into the first one in this segment.

Respect. Ah . . . yeah, sorry. You heard me right. Don’t shoot the messenger.

If you can’t respect your husband, you might as well call it quits, because your marriage isn’t going to make it. (Have a new Husband by Friday)

One way you can show respect today is by complimenting him. For some of you this will be difficult. You might feel there’s nothing you admire about him. Well, think hard! There has to be something he does right. Praise him for the way he heads out to work in the morning, or the way he interacts with the kids. Or for unclogging your mom’s sink. There has to be something. You wouldn’t have married the guy if you liked nothing about him.

Now I can only hit upon a few of the concepts in these books. I highly recommend you check out the two I have referenced for this series of posts: Love and Respect. It’s longer and has suggestions for both husband and wife. Have a New Husband by Friday. This can be read in a matter of days (five, like the title suggests) and put into effect immediately. It won’t be easy. Trust me, I know. But isn’t it worth a shot?

The Reality of the Writing Life

“I want to be a writer. Where do I start?”

I cringe every time someone says that to me. Not because I mean to be unsupportive. Not because I want deprive the world of what could be the greatest literary mind of this century. But because, quite frankly, I wouldn’t wish this on my greatest enemy. I’m not saying this to rain on anyone’s parade. I will explain exactly what I mean.

A writer often discovers as early as elementary school that they don’t quite fit in, that their brains don’t work like that of their peers. They muddle through childhood like a triangle tying to fit into a round hole. Sometimes they bounce from one creative act to another. Art. Music. Dance. Theater. Really, anything that might scratch the ever-increasing itch under their skin. But nothing quite gets the job done. Eventually they give in, give up to the mighty pen, realizing they can no longer pretend to be anything but a triangle.

Problem is, being a writer is isolating. I’ve always known this, always felt this, but I have to admit I’m feeling it more acutely these days. You see, only another writer truly understands a writer, and chances are that the majority of her friends and family are not. So those supportive, loving individuals suffer though the writer’s triumphs and failures with nods and smiles that say to writer, “I don’t quite understand what you’re talking about.” She knows though. She recognizes the glazed-over look in Aunt Betty’s eyes.

Circles don’t seem to understand.

So, what does the writer do? The writer turns to other writers. Other writers get her, understand her, and are shaped like triangles. It’s such a relief to the writer that she practically weeps with joy.

Unfortunately, writing is also competitive.

There are only so many slots on the bookshelf, and a whole pile of manuscripts jockeying for those few positions. So, one of two things happen. Either the writer is good. Really good. She intimidates other writers with her words and thereby finds herself a contender against the other triangles.

Or—even worse—she is, in fact, no competition at all.

This is a tremendous blow to the already sensitive Writer’s Ego.

I have been in both painful situations, depending on the hierarchy and where I happen to fall in it. And neither is comfortable.

Thus the isolation, and why I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.

This probably sounds depressing to a world that lives to feel good, but it’s also the reality of the situation.

I’m trying now, as I stumble like a blind woman in a dark room feeling for a black cat, to let go. No, not of my triangle nature. I already tried that and it didn’t work. But of my pride. I want to respect myself and my triangle shape, even on those days when I’m left watching someone else take the slot I was eyeing at Barnes & Noble’s. Even on those days when I feel like no one understands me.

Because I am not a circle.

I am a triangle.

That is what I’ll always be.

 

Love, Respect, and A New Husband by Friday (part one)

 

We usually fail to realize, that we cannot force another person to change. It simply isn’t possible.

Sorry.

Next time you look at the person across from you, and your head swells with things you would like to change about them, just remember, they might be thinking the same about you. And they probably are.

I’ve read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs four times over the last four years and right now I’m reading Dr. Kevin Leman’s, Have a New Husband by Friday. I can say, from personal experience, that changing the way you think about your mate will take you places pleading, nagging and a cold-shoulder never will. It’s a hard choice to make. As women we want to fix our men. But speaking as a woman who has been through the fire with her man, I want to encourage you to give this concept a chance.

Over the next several weeks I would like to share some insights from both books, and encourage any frustrated wives out there to try something radical, shocking, and totally unbelievable.

Changing your thought process.

Arguing the Case Against Romantic Fiction

I’ve rewritten my novel, Highland Dawning from start to finish three times. In this third version I’ve rewritten the first chapter four times. I began work on this book when my son first started to walk. Now he’s eleven.

So why do I keep plugging away at it?

This is what my main character, Ronan, told me to write for him. (Now those of you who don’t write might not understand, but those of you
do will get it.)

(1600’s Scotland) Ronan had turned his angst into successes. Still did. He’d wanted her, but she was untouchable, both because she was his laird’s daughter and because she was his joy.

So maybe you think romance is silly, or you’re a guy who sees romance as a bar you can’t jump over. I hate to break it to you, but in the beginning
God made Adam . . . and then he made Eve. Need I say more? We’re taught sacrifice and self-control and, are made more Christ-like through ALL types of relationships, but there’s something about the romantic relationship that raises the bar.

Am I still silly to pour my creative energies into a story of two people’s journey in self-sacrifice, self-control and dependence on Christ? Am I crazy to polish it inch by inch? Am I insane when I pray over it, asking Him to pummel my pride so my fiction can read the way He wants it to?

Hmmm . . . .

Thought I should share Triona’s point of view too:

(from Highand Dawning) Triona wiped tears as they stung her eyes. Her imagination got the best of her after that and she dreamed of him night and day. She knew how many children they’d have, and what those children would look like.

Now reality faded her perfect visions. Dreams weren’t easy to recover from. Triona blew out the candles by her bed and crawled under the covers.

She knew she needed to give Ronan over to God, but struggled. She didn’t want to let go of her dreams.

War-Torn Owego

My first instinct was to wait until life around Owego got back to normal to craft my next post. Then I had to take a moment to wonder why. Because I didn’t want to write about what it felt like to stand in my front yard watching the water rise literally the minute, wondering if it would crest in time to spare our home? What it felt like to watch my neighbors canoe from their flooded house only to land on our yard, which at that point had become an island of one. What it felt like to drive through my home town this week, after finally moving back to the area after an absence of fifteen years, only to see it look like war-torn Bosnia, or some other foreign place I’d only seen on the news. My sister said Owego looked like Armageddon had come. When my mom asked me my thoughts, I told her I had to agree.

I know it won’t stay that way. I’ve also seen a lot of people helping people. My son, whom I’m now ashamed to admit I’ve considered my most selfish child, volunteered to help some friends clean out their flooded home. While the power was still out on our street there was a lot of sharing. Coffee and meats cooked on the grill, and blueberry muffins baked in gas ovens passed out to those who couldn’t cook at all because their electric ovens were rendered useless.

I think the biggest reason I didn’t want to write about the flood is because I’m a confused about my own reaction. There’ve been times when  I’ve been hit hard by life and those times have definitely drawn me closer to God. Now I see my friends hit hard while for some reason we were spared. Oh, we went without power for several days, and our yard is a mess, but our house itself sits up on a mound of earth that saved us from becoming another disaster. So am I uncomfortable with that? Do I feel like I don’t know how to relate to those who have lost their homes? Do I feel like I can’t relate to God right now? I don’t even know. I hope to though. Maybe I just need some time.

Performance Christian?

I have this problem. Rather than gauging my self-worth by Christ and his sacrifice for me, I have the tendency to gauge my value on a scale, with successes on one side and failures on the other. When they’re even I feel like I can get by with at least a mediocre opinion of myself. When my  failures outweigh my perceived successes I feel like I’ve not only failed myself, but God as well. The Performance Christian would be a good name for what I am, or tend to be. For whatever reason it’s my bent.

A friend of mine gave me the book Grace Walk by Steve McVey. After reading it himself he was convinced it would help.  In Grace Walk, McVey encourages Christians to live for their relationship with Christ, not their successes and failures. Sounds simple, right? Almost too much so. Grace is so sweetly simple it can be hard to understand.

Here’s an excerpt from Grace Walk:

He(God) says that you are a new creation. When you come to believe that fact by faith, you won’t feel the need to act. You can just be yourself, allowing the nature of Christ within your spirit to flow through your personality and out of your life, like the river of living water that Jesus talked about that flows from one’s innermost being. (Chapter 3, page 48)

Anyone else a Performance Christian? I would encourage you to check out this book. Changing thought patterns isn’t easy. It’s a daily choice. But I can tell you first hand it’s definitely worth the work.